Touch

He touches me and I feel empowered.

Sexy. Hot. Feminine. In control.

I feel wanted.

He runs his hand down the length of my arm

and I shiver, waiting to see what happens next.

Anticipating his next move and

wanting it so desperately. He gently takes my hands in his

and pulls me closer to him, a gentle tug

to make me take that last tiny step forward.

My chest bumps against his.

Our lips are a few short inches away.

 

I can feel his breath,

I can see his eyes looking right into mine.

We are both leaning forward now,

slowly, building up the moment.

Our foreheads touch, building up the intimacy,

creating our own little bubble

where all our concentration is on each other.

I slightly part my lips and lean in

for that long, slow kiss that we were both craving.

Our lips touch slightly, a whisper of a kiss.

We look into each others eyes again

before we both move forward,

kissing hard, wanting more, craving to be closer together.

My hands are in his hair, pulling him closer

while he runs his hands down my back

to my hips to pull me against him.

This. This is what I wanted…..

 

Wait.

His tongue is in my mouth,

darting about like a fish out of water.

It feels like he is trying to lick

the bottom of an ice cream bowl,

but he can’t quite reach the bottom.

I am a bit taken aback,

what the hell is he doing with his tongue?!

What They Don’t Tell You About Getting an IUD

When I first learned about the copper IUD (Paragard), I knew it was the perfect solution for my seemingly complicated birth control needs. You see, I had a terrible experience with the pill. I got seriously fucked up on the 5 different concoctions they swore would be better than the last. I got fat, pimply, and depressed. After about 6 months of trying the pills and having them fail miserably, I decided that I could live without it. My confidence was shot, self esteem gone, and my libido was seriously lacking. No pill was worth all that. This is was 2 years ago. I was resigned to the fact that I was just going to have to ‘risk it for the biscuit’ as they say 😉 That is, until I heard about the Paragard IUD. The NON HORMONAL IUD. Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner!

I got my copper IUD two weeks ago, and I feel it is now my responsibility to tell the world of my experience. No amount of research prepared me for the actual appointment. Let me preface this by saying that all bodies are different! What was a painful experience for me, may not be so painful for someone else. In fact, my roommate got her IUD 2 weeks before me and she had a completely different experience than me. (Side note: If you’ve given birth, inserting the IUD is supposedly less painful.)

For the first time ever I had a male gynecologist, and boy did I appreciate his clear and blunt way of letting me know what was up. The phrases “This is going to cause a big cramp” and “You will feel some pain” were very much appreciated for a girl who has no tolerance for cottling when it comes to painful things. If it’s going to hurt, I want to know it! My doctor was not shy about it the fact that there was no ‘might’ about it, I WOULD feel some pain. It helped me feel better prepared.

First came the usual clamp thing that he miraculously stuck a good 12 inches up my vagina (*side note: I’m not a doctor, I don’t know the names of medical equipment and I’m not claiming to. I’m telling you about my experience through my own brain, so yes some exaggeration will be allowed and terminology will be completely made up of  ‘thingys’ and ‘mabobbers’). It was uncomfortable, but not unmanageable. Then shit got serious.

“First I’m going to clean your urerus with an antiseptic. It may sting a little bit here,” my doctor informed me. I didn’t really feel anything at this point, I let my guard down a little bit and relaxed. “Well if that was supposed to sting,” I thought, “then I must be in the clear! I’m so ready ready for this!” I little naive me actually thought these words before the actual insertion. “Alright, Sarah! That was the easy part. I’m now going to begin the insertion of the Paragard IUD,” my doctor continued as I’m mentally doing a happy dance, thinking this whole thing would be a breeze. Then I saw him put in this super long, super cold metal bar… Then the pain started.

I’ve never had a child before, but I think this pain may have been a step and a half below child birth. Holy shit it hurt! I tensed up, which I honestly think made it that much worse. I know it’ll be difficult, but I’d suggest relaxing as much as possible while they’re putting it in. It’s like tensing up your arm for a shot makes you much more sore than just staying relaxed, at least I’m assuming….

Anyway, the metal rod went in. OUCH! I tried to breath through it, but damn it was intense. Then my doctor said “I’m about to put in the IUD, so you’ll feel another big cramp. This one will be a doozy in 3…2…1…” Yup. BIG cramp. I felt faint. Dizzy. Near tears. My doctor asked me how I was doing and the only thing I could muster was “It’s better than a baby!” Which made them laugh, which made me want to cry. The procedure felt like it took forever, but it was probably only 8 minutes total. My roommate said her insertion also hurt. We complained about it together for about 3 days.

I knew I should expect some cramping, but what I got was much worse. I got home and writhed in pain for about 4 hours. The only thing that really helped was my heating pad on full blast. For the next week the heating pad and popping ibuprofen like skittles became the norm for my existence. The cramping was terrible! It wasn’t a consistent cramp for the entire week and a half; it would come and go. I would go to work (I’m a teacher) and sit at my desk with my heating pad on me all day, since it was the only thing that helped. My roommate was lucky and only had cramping on the first day. That was what I was expecting too, but I got the short end of the stick 😦

Now it has been 2 weeks since I got my IUD, and I am feeling much better. I had my first period with the IUD and it was even more of a blood bath than normal. Be prepared for Niagara Falls… My roommate and I both had similar experiences with our first period. She said her second one was much lighter, so here’s to hoping!

After this experience I have the following advice for anyone looking to get an IUD:

  1. Do extensive research about each kind of IUD! Find out the insertion process, the risks, and the differences between all of them. Base your choice off your research and what you know is best for YOU. Don’t get the same kind as your friend because she says it’s better.
  2. Understand that it is painful, but a few short weeks of pain is worth it for up to 12 years of not having to worry about pregnancy (Paragard lasts for 12, the others last 3-5 years). However, listen to your doctor when s/he tells you about the risks of pregnancy. No birth control is ever 100% effective, so it’s still good to listen and be careful.
  3. Take Advil/Tylenol/Ibuprofen/Your anti-inflammatory drug of choice at least an hour BEFORE your appointment. If they offer you some after, take that too. Unless you’re nervous about taking too much, then don’t. The point I’m trying to make is take the anti-inflammatory because it seriously helps.
  4. Try your best to relax during the appointment. Tensing up will make it hurt worse. Just breathe through it and remember that it’s better than having a baby that you’re not ready for!!
  5. Be sure you have a heating pad on hand. This is the only thing that kept me alive through my week of terrible, mind numbing cramps.
  6. Checking for the strings can be difficult, and you may have to dig. It can be awkward, so it’s perfectly fine to ask your boyfriend to find them ;P

 

If you have any other questions about getting an IUD and my experience with it, please feel free to ask me!!

 

10 Ways You Know You’re Going Through a Mid-20′s Crisis

1. Your Tinder game is on fleek.

2. A year ago you were super excited about your job, but now you’re not so sure it’s what you want to do for the rest of your life.

3. Money management is not your forte and you’re trying really hard not to live paycheck to paycheck, but then *BAM* it’s Friday night and you’ve got plans.

4. This is a typical thought… “Once I get – insert object or person here – I’ll be happy,” but then you get the thing and shockingly enough it didn’t solve all your problems, so you’re back to square one… Again.

5. You lie about your ‘hobbies’ to acquaintances and/or Tinder dates to make yourself sound more interesting.

6. Sometimes you think about finding a therapist, but then you look at your finances and just laugh because you forgot that you’re not a millionaire.

7. You still get hurt when friends from High School or College bail on you because you haven’t yet figured out that some friendships just won’t last the test of time and space.

8. Scheduling your own doctor’s appointment makes you feel like a damn adult! Until you realize that you also need to schedule appointments for the dentist, OB/GYN, dermatologist, chiropractor, optometrist, etc…. Then you panic and call mom because she actually knows what the hell all those things are and why you need them and and can explain what’s wrong with you better than you can.

9. You still think you can go out on a Friday night after a full day of work like you used to in college, only to find out that 10:00pm really is late and your bed is much more comfortable than the awkward pick up lines in bars.

10. You’re maturing and growing into an adult, which means what you thought you wanted out of life is also maturing and growing and might not match up with what you thought you always wanted so you’re a bit confused by life at the moment.

Dear Deadbeat Lover 

Dear Deadbeat Lover,

I feel like I may have left things open ended when I last saw you. I made some choices that weren’t in my own best interest, but it is what it is. I have no regrets in meeting you. You brought an interesting perspective to my life and I’ve enjoyed every minute with you. However, I can’t continue on this path that you’ve laid out for me. I can’t continue to ignore my own wants and needs from what I expect in friendships and relationships. I’m not good when it comes to blurring those lines. I have different expectations for both, and when a feeling of ‘more’ comes along I can’t just be friends with you. I want more. I expect more. I deserve more. And I won’t continue to see someone who doesn’t want the same things I do and who isn’t willing to try my way. Believe it or not, I have tried your way. I tried to be the chill and causal girl for a few months, but that’s just not me. Your attitude is ‘this is me, you can take it or leave it’, and I respect that. But I can’t have someone in my life who isn’t willing to try, who isn’t interested in compromise, and who can’t take a step back to look at this ‘thing’ we are in and see that I’m hurting. I refuse to lower my standards in what I know that I want and deserve from people in my life. It’s not fair to me that you’re so nonchalant about ‘us’. It’s not healthy for me to continue in this self destructive path that we have created. I get that you have other ‘friends’, and while they may be cool with it, I’m not. I’m different. And I’m okay with that. I’m not trying to change you, and I expect the same in return. I know who I am, I know my limits. I know that I can’t see you anymore without doing serious damage to my mental state. You may not get it, and that’s okay. I’m not trying to explain, nor am I seeking your approval. It’s what I feel and I need no validation from you.

When we last spoke, you were intent on changing my mind to come over to your side. That’s not what a healthy relationship is, friendship or otherwise. Yes, you listened to what I had to say, but it was mostly so you could argue against what I felt. I felt that you were attempting to invalidate what I was feeling to make me give in to what you wanted. I’m not okay with feeling like a conquest. I’m not okay with you bulldozing over what I want so you can be selfish in your own wants. You’re so close minded in your open mindedness that it doesn’t even register that my mind doesn’t work like yours. I’m incapable of doing what you want me to do. I can’t be who you want me to be. I’m not interested in your way of dating. I like commitment. I like stability. I see nothing wrong with those things. I’m okay if you think I’m boring, or limiting myself of whatever worldly view you have that I lack. I don’t care. You’ve made it abundantly clear that you are you and that won’t change. You’ve made no effort to keep me around, and dammit I’m worth some fucking effort. Why should I change who I am to be in a half assed relationship with someone who only says we are friends? Why should I put forth so much effort and time into someone who has his attention split to 2, 3, 4 other girls? Why should I be the one to change at all? I don’t want to, same as you. I like who I am. I like moving forward and making progress and growing and I can’t do that with you. I feel like we wouldn’t move forward because I’d always be wondering about the other people you were seeing. I would never be able to turn off that voice in my head telling me I’m not good enough for you because you’re going to other women to get what you need and/or want. Call it low self esteem, as I’m sure you’re thinking, but I call it self respect. I don’t want to be known as just another one of ‘Brandon’s friends’. I prefer to think I’m special, and I want someone who makes me feel as such.
Sincerely,
Over it and over you

Fake It Til You Make It

This phrase has been my mantra for the past few months (if I’m being completely honest, it’s more like the past few years). It has worked pretty well so far, but now I’m in the stage of my life where I feel like I’m supposed to have my shit together. Boy, is that a joke if I’ve ever heard one.

Hi. I’m a 23 year old Middle School Language Arts teacher. By day, I’m in charge of 86 mentally unstable human beings (they’re 12 so there is really no other description for them). They depend on me for their educational, mental, and emotional needs; and since I’m the only female teacher in 6th grade, I’m always the one to wipe the tears and kiss the boo boos. However, as soon as that bell rings and I’m out the door, my true self emerges.

How I function and what I think about outside of work:

  • I am unwilling to cook myself an actual meal. Pasta? Hell yes. A frozen burrito? Girl, I can totally work that microwave. But anything more advanced than that and I’m out.
  • Men. Dating. Sex. These things take up most of my thoughts because I’m single. And I’m lonely. And I hate dating but do it anyway. Men are all idiots, but that’s a conversation for another time.
  • Alcohol. Yum. Gimme. It helps me relax, and no I’m not an alcoholic… yet.
  • Weed. I live in Colorado, so it’s a given (don’t judge me, okay).
  • The constant questions: Am I where I’m supposed to be? Is teaching really what I want to do with the rest of my life? Am I destined to be alone forever? Will I ever have flawless skin? How do people who wear a size 0 function? If they eat a grape are they full?
  • Pay day is fun until it’s time to pay rent. And the car note. And student loans. And insurance. And everything else in life. I miss being ignorant of what all went into paying for adulthood.
  • To clean, or not to clean? Eh, it doesn’t smell yet, so it’s totes good. Right?

I feel like I’m getting side tracked here. What I’m trying to get across is that I feel like a hot mess. I still don’t know what I want in life despite the fact that I’ve graduated from college and I’m in the field that I got my degree in. I moved across the country from Georgia to Colorado to try something new and different. I’m adventuring right now, and having a career is holding me back. However, I love doing it (most days…). What do I have to complain about? It’s just that feeling like there is something just beyond your reach, but you can’t quite get to it. Something is right in front of my face and I don’t know what it is. Am I alone in thinking this? Does this even make any sense?